In the early weeks of parenthood, I found myself trying to learn as much as I could about infant growth and development. Initially, my focus was on jaundice, breastfeeding and blocked tear ducts followed by infant sleep patterns and naps.
I always heard it’s common for couples to bicker after having a baby, but I never took the time to understand why, as George and I have worked hard since day one to communicate openly and honestly with patience and love. Well, even so, we found ourselves butting heads about once a week. Thankfully, we both put the time and energy into exploring the root cause. A misunderstanding and/or a false assumption always turned out to be the basis.
In hindsight, it is clear that sleep deprivation, adjusting to parenthood and dealing with the emotions that a sweet, crying baby stirs up can have a significant impact on the effectiveness of our communication. It’s times like these with stress – both good and bad – when communication is most important, yet also when we’re most likely to encounter breakdowns.
I’m not sure what exactly drew me to We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter by Celeste Headlee, but it served as a thought-provoking, great and timely reminder of just how important conversations are. While I found much of the content was common sense, Celeste Headlee kept me engaged with her clear and easy to digest writing style. She includes research to back up her points and also draws upon her experience as a journalist and fellow human being.
Headlee explores the evolution of communication. She draws attention to how current technology such as email, texting and social media have shifted much of our communication to the written form. While this shift has the benefit of convenience, it’s at the cost of removing or muddying the emotion behind it, which allows us to maintain more distance and control and the conversation. Written communication surely has its place, but Headlee’s research points to verbal dialogue as the most effective approach to meaningful conversations.
Other consequences of our current technology Headlee sheds light on include our shortening attention span and false perceptions of our ability to multitask. These trends increase the importance of taking time to relay important messages in well-thought out, clear and concise language.
“…attention spans have been on the decline for years and are now believed to be on par with those of goldfish…”
“The concept of multitasking was never actually intended to apply to people. It was originally used to describe a computer that runs multiple programs at the same time. But the human brain doesn’t work like a computer operating system. We can only focus on one thing at a time.”
Headlee underscores the importance and power of listening throughout the book. While some of her propositions related to active listening struck me as odd, such as classifying nodding and eye contact as a disingenuous active listening techniques, she does provide wonderful insight and tips. She reminds us that listening is a learned skill.
“Anyone who’s spent time with an infant will tell you that we’re not born listening, we’re born making noise.”
Additionally, Headlee points out we’re in a time of talking at each other rather than to each other. All too often the person on the receiving end is caught up in framing their response rather than fully listening. She suggests entering conversations with an open mind, focusing on what we can take away and learn from the conversation rather than trying to sell our own beliefs. We can’t control what someone else takes away from the conversation.
Headlee also reminds us of the power of simply listening. When a friend turns to us in a time of stress, he or she may just want to be heard. Headlee encourages asking questions, but warns sharing a relatable experience shifts the attention from the friend to us.
“As they say, the mouth shuts, the ears don’t, and there’s a good reason for that.”
Headlee shares the most important thing she’s learned from her career when entering an important conversation:
“…explain what you want and what you expect, and be honest.”
Overall, this is a great read for anyone wishing to improve their listening skills.